Casualties of War

pic the price

The day of my Deposition is finally here. D-Day. I’ve waited patiently for over a year to begin the court process for someone to hear my voice.

I woke up my stomach in knots. My nightmares are not only in my dreams; they have become part of me, my reality. It’s a war in my mind: the monster that I desperately want to forget verse the nightmare that I must remember. Rape. Assault. Death. Shaking, I must re-live every detail. Fear is child’s play compared to the terror that overtakes my soul. I desperately try to separate myself from the emotional connection; to no avail. This isn’t just some sad story. It’s my story.

I stare straight ahead hoping that no one will pay much attention to the tears running down my face. I’m in a room filled with strangers in suits. One lawyer, two lawyers, three little lawyers all staring straight at me. The words I so desperately seek will not come. Remember to breathe they told me. The air has left the room and my heart is the only thing that reminds me that I’m still alive.

The words of my detective come back to haunt me, “By the time you get through the justice system you’d wish he would have just killed you. It would have been more merciful.” At least she was honest and she did the best she could to warn me… but I’m not dead yet.

I begin to relive that horrible day followed by interruption then conversation. The defense attorney glares at me from across the table biting to release the sarcasm he holds within. He is a very intelligent man with a quick wit and a cold heart. He is a military man through and through. The ravages of wars’ past are shown clearly in his eyes. There is no mercy there, not for me anyway. I am nothing to him. The events of the day make me question if I am anything to anyone. The sarcasm and abrupt interruptions cut through my soul like a knife. The war wages on even when there are wounded. The battle field is riddled with casualties and I can’t help but wonder if I’ll be one of them… One day perhaps, but today is not that day.

It’s funny in times of great distress the things that come to mind. “Jesus loves me this know for the Bible tells me so,” plays sweetly in my mind calming the chaos. The bombs are echoing around me as I witness the devastation first hand. I question my decision to report. I question the choices of my life. I am brave but I’m not sure how much that matters now because I am also very weak.

I will go to the bar and have a drink maybe even two. Now I know why there are so many bars next to the court house. I will watch all the broken people walking by and wonder if they are even aware of the war being waged around them, invisible to the naked eye.

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2 thoughts on “Casualties of War

  1. Just want you to know that I will be praying for you. When you get out of bed in the morning, look in the mirror and say, “Thank you, God, for the incredible strength and courage you have filled my heart and soul with. Tell yourself exactly how strong and courageous you are!

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