Sitting still and watching life as it swirls and spins around me. It’s rather beautiful even in the foretold destruction. It finds a comfortable rhythm again; the beat no longer off sync and the colors blend nicely. It’s the day that you know you are a survivor, not in the sense that you have conquered the world or even that you are stronger somehow; but you’re still standing after the war has ended and everyone has returned home.
There is still beauty in destruction. The sun refuses to stop shining through the smoke and ash. I can see the rays pierce the darkness and feel its warmth. There is potential for something new. This journey will end: sexual assault, court, fear, darkness. I will never forget what this has done to me but I won’t hold on to it forever. There is still beauty here.
One day, I will truly forgive a man that ravaged my spirit and turned everything good into evil. This might not be tomorrow or the next day, but I know that I have to let him go, even when the bitter tears burn. It takes time but the truth always reveals itself. You simply can’t fake love or character.
“For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open” Luke 8:17
The only truth that I have ever known is to continue to love through the pain. Even when you feel like you have nothing left. Find someone who is hurting and love them to the best of your ability. I’m not always good at it but Love is worth fighting for and it’s a battle I don’t want to lose.
On my worst days, I think about my future and I imagine my children. I can see the innocence in their eyes. All children have this iridescent glow of innocence. I picture my daughter around three or four when she says, “Mommy, I love you.” She will run to play knowing nothing of her predestined future that gave rise to hope. I hold on to that image when all I see is devastation. I am fighting for something, she just isn’t here yet.
The seasons always change and it’s always darkest before the dawn. We always say a simple prayer in my church. “Dear Lord, please help me to love well.”
Even in my darkest moments, please help me to love well. I still have a lot of love to give.