I wonder what its like to feel whole. On the outside I look like a typical American teenager. Yes, I said teenager. I look very young and could easily be mistaken for a 16 year old although I am actually 26.
I’ve never really felt like I belonged anywhere although in reality I resemble a chameleon. I can blend my colors into every background. I could have a million friends (and I have amazing friends) but many times I feel alone in a crowded room. I wonder if many people have felt this way…? These sound like the musings of an insecure child but I’m an adult. These messages of failure and brokenness have taken root and I no longer see the confidence of the child within. These feeling increased exponentially after my sexual assault. They began to weigh heavily on my soul. I have to begin to explore, process, and remove the chameleon identity. So I write about it.
The musings of an insecure self
My masks are beautiful
They are perfectly crafted
Hand painted and etched with perfection
Everyone loves me for what they see
For what illusion they want me to be
Perfection, smiles, and laughter galore
I wish that was me but it isn’t anymore
I am loved from every direction
But only for my flawless perfection
The masks they are beautiful
But they are not me
Only a reflection
Of what you want to see
Slowly each mask begins to break
The pain they no longer can take
Will you love me past that place
Of ash and rubble
Taking off the masks
Now you can see
I’m given the freedom to finally be ME.