Prayer of my Heart

A long time ago I remember having an intimate conversation with God. It was a real heart to heart. I asked Him to mold me into the woman He created me to be- whatever that meant. Oh, I was a young and eager Christian then and I really had no idea what I was asking, the pain that would inevitability ensue. What do I know about pain you ask…?

I know what it feels like to face darkness, to let your soul die only to be reborn. I have experienced childhood abuse, rape, and the injustices of our system. I have also faced the darkness of my own soul because anger slowly began to take root. There were days when life didn’t seem worth it anymore. I couldn’t see past the moment that I was living in and the prison walls were fortified with my own self-hate. Darkness was winning and I didn’t have the energy to care anymore.

God placed people around me that provided me with incredible support. When I forgot that God even existed He revealed himself through the love of others. The tears felt like they were never ending and the sorrow overwhelming. Trauma. Devastation. Darkness.

When I could not walk another step, a friend sent a letter. When I had exhausted my energy on tears a friend said a prayer. When I wanted to quit school because I could no longer continue the rigorous course work it was then a professor encouraged me. When I was broken down my therapist empowered me. No one ever gave up on me. They saw the potential. They saw my heart beyond the barrier walls.

I would never ask anyone to go through the trials that I have gone through this year alone, however I am grateful. The light piercing in the darkness softened my heart. I was dependent on God and people. He was answering my prayer through the trials. He is preparing me for the wife and mother that I am yet to become. He taught me that love conquers all evil and that Hope prevails. They can never take my destiny because through it all the LORD is with me. Life continues and there are ups and downs but I’m learning not to fear the flames.

“You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good.” – Genesis 50:20


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