Ashes, Ashes We all Fall Down

I am officially graduating in two days. In two days, I will walk across that stage and accept my Masters Degree. The last year ½ has been the hardest of my life. School has always come easy for me. I have no problem studying and passing a test. I can do it in my sleep. Literally. I’ve never looked at school as much of an accomplishment because I’ve never had to earn it.

Well needless to say I’ve earned my stripes this time around. I entered a counseling psychology program and let me tell you even the most well adjusted person will enter feeling sane and exit coming undone. You have to work on your stuff, all of it. Everything you never wanted to face about yourself.

Insecurities.
Anxieties.
Depression.
Fears.

You will inevitably discover how deep the rabbit hole goes. You will be dismantled, piece by piece. Praying that by the end all the king’s horses and all the king’s men will find a way to put you back together again. In the middle of my program I was sexually assaulted. Trauma turned to devastation. The pieces of my soul that were designed to go back together were now as delicate as powder. There were no edges that locked together with precise precision. Nothing made sense. My world was chaos.

But I started this journey and was determined to finish it. He was not going to take another thing away from me. I learned many valuable lessons during this time but the most important one was that I could not do this alone. I reached out for the support that I needed. In the beginning, I went to crisis counseling twice a week and began attending support group. I remember that I would be afraid to leave my house. I would only go to school, counseling, and church. Those times were so hard. Sleep never came and my emotions were everywhere. I was determined to find myself. This was not going to be the end of my story.

To my abuser:

On Friday I will walk across that stage and get my Masters Degree. I finished in spite of you. I know that you will never know the pain that you have caused me, but I want you to know that you can never have my destiny. You have not stolen my determination because I made it. I am a survivor. It’s my goal to let you go- to no longer cry over the pain that you caused. I am determined. I am determined to forgive you even if it takes my lifetime.

I was broken down, disassembled, and reinvented.
Ashes, Ashes we all fall down.
Watch me rise up from the ground.

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