My case is set to go to trial next month. I don’t believe there will be anymore continuances. Finally Over.
I had to take some time and write how this crime has impacted my life. It has taken me all day to write this. I couldn’t have imagined how difficult this was for me to write. It brought back more emotions then I wanted to deal with, but here it is. the final product. If all goes as planned it will be the last thing I ever say to my rapist. I had to block his name because this hasn’t gone to trial yet.
VICTIM IMPACT STATEMENT
I would like to thank the court for the opportunity to address how this offense has affected my life. I’m not sure that my words can adequately portray the devastation left in the aftermath of this senseless crime.
I try hard to remember the person I was before this all happened. I never see her anymore. I used to catch glimpses every now and then; but they were far and few between. I no longer recognize the woman staring back at me in the mirror. Her eyes are almost unrecognizable and her pain intrinsically woven into her soul. A stranger, new and unfamiliar, stares back from where my reflection once stood. There is a grief that can’t be spoken and pain that goes on and on.
Sexual assault is a crime said to be second only to murder because even though my body is alive my spirit is repeatedly assaulted with every nightmare, trigger, flashback, and panic attack.
On July 7th 2012 my life changed forever. My body was violated; I was no longer a human being with thoughts, feelings and emotions; but became an object used for the selfish pleasure of another. My fear was of no concern and my tears did not matter.
Sexual assault not only affects me as the victim but it affects everyone that I love and everyone I will ever love. Mr. B violated my body and, like the worst kind of thief, stole my sense of safety. I still continue to suffer the debilitating effects of post traumatic stress disorder long after the assault took place. He is not charged with destruction of property yet He shattered the very essence of my faith. I so readily believed in a God that loved and protected me until that same God was used against me.
I constantly fight to hold onto the belief that God loves me and in that love I’m set free. My life has a purpose and I don’t have to carry this shame anymore because it was never mine to hold.
I want to give Mr. B something that was not given to me- Grace. I want him to know that despite the incredible pain that he caused me and my family I still see him as someone capable of receiving redemption and forgiveness. Freedom however comes with a price. It requires the examination of the soul and the honesty of self. My prayer is that Mr. B commits to the treatment being offered to him and that I am his last victim.
If the process of reporting and prosecuting this horrific crime somehow prevents a single other person from suffering the debilitating affects of rape, then and only then would my pain be worth the price. I still wish that the cost was not so high.