Waiting On…

That’s all I’ve been doing lately, waiting. I’m waiting for the phone call to know if I’m going to trail for my sexual assault case. I believe this is the fourth or fifth time the case has been continued. Just about over a week ago the defense attorney put a plea deal on the table and yet my case is still on the docket. I completely understand that I have no say in the matter however I would really like to know what is going on. You would think that would be a right allotted to the victim…?

It’s frustrating working within the confines of a broken system. How can I navigate a system which seemingly has little to no structure. Oh yes, it holds the illusion of structure, balance, and justice until one becomes familiar with its inner workings. Rape seems to be the only crime in which the victim becomes the criminal and it’s heartbreaking. Some days I just don’t have the emotional strength to play the judicial games. I survived the horrific ordeal only to immerse myself in another one.

It’s a game, kind of like chess. The lawyers are all friends outside of the court room. The defense attorney and prosecutor probably go way back. It’s just another day for them. It’s not another day for me. It’s my life. My heart is tied to my testimony. These are not just words. They are reminiscent of my deepest pain. The days drawing closer to court my anxiety is unrelenting only to be postponed once again. I cried tears of relief when that plea deal was put on the table only to receive a letter that my case was still set to go to trial. Can they make their mind because they are driving me out of mine!

There is nothing left to do but wait. I have no control over anything. That was taken away from me a long time ago. I sometimes wonder if this was all worth it… My only prayer is that by playing my small part I can help make positive change within the system. I have to be proud that I’m part of that movement. I will never give up so I wait on and on and on…

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