I’m good at hiding. I’m incredibly good at keeping secrets, mostly the bad ones. I never get angry. I lie a lot but mostly about my feelings hence the never getting angry. I never want to be too exposed. Feelings are vulnerability and are an entry way to the soul. They expose the heart and sometimes reveal imperfections. Crying is the hardest thing for me, oh sure I can cry when I’m alone… but have one other person see my actual tears and it’s the end of the world as we know it. I also might have the flare for dramatics, but you get the picture.
Everything that I thought protected me was a façade. So recently I decided, I was going to be real with everything. What the hell, the other path was eating my soul alive so just like that I made a choice. I realized in doing so…
1. Not many people are real themselves and they definitely don’t know what to do with real- They just define it as crazy but if crazy makes me sane then crazy it will be: this is actual advise from a counselor, please take good notes.
2. By changing myself I have drastically changed the dynamics of most if not all of the relationships in my life.
3. I’ve come to terms with this fact. The people who love me will always love me and the ones who don’t never really will. I’ve burned the script that we have all lived by and worshiped for years. On purpose. Shocking, I know.
I’ve always been the one to follow the rules. I never rocked the boat and heaven forbid I change the dynamics. Nope, I was the one that blended in nicely with the background. Well, not anymore. I question a lot. If I’m angry you’ll probably know it although I still do my best not to hurt people. I cry a lot and I don’t care who is watching. I’m not perfect and I don’t even pretend to be… Trust me, when I’m cut I bleed just like you.
Everyone has a story and some people are carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders. My anger shows that I trust you. My tears mean that you are safe. My writing means that I’m real. I will make mistakes but I’ll never apologize for being real again. Its part of burning that script… and rewriting the story.