Connecting on Moments of Grief

child-crying

It doesn’t matter that I tell people that I’m hurting; most everyone views me a fine, most of the time. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a counselor and am supposed to have all the answers or have it all together. I’m not sure but there have been moments on this journey when fine wasn’t even in my vocabulary. I have to be honest and its time to have hard conversations. I’m going to begin with my advocate. She isn’t just an advocate she is a senior sexual assault advocate. She has been with me from the very beginning, through the trial, depositions, and plenty of interrogations.

She saw me at my weakest moments. She was there but not to validate my feelings. She was there but not to make me feel any safer. She was there doing her job but had completely missed how much I REALLY needed her to be there. I needed her to see and hold my heart when I was sure it was just going to break into a million pieces. I needed her to listen and validate my feelings. I needed to feel valued and loved in the midst of my weakest moments.

After my deposition where I was interrogated for hours, her only advice was to “wipe the defeat off of my face and learn to compartmentalize.”  ok, she may have said other slightly more positive stuff but trust me after that statement nothing she said really mattered. It seemed that she never missed an opportunity to tell me more stuff that I needed to work on. She said she did this because she saw potential in me and that I could be great.

 Let’s re-frame that: I am great, right this very moment. I love well and even when I fail I try again and again and again. I lead with my heart.

Needless to say, I gave up trying to connect with her. We were speaking a completely different language.

I recently had the privilege of watching her co-facilitate a sexual assault survivor support group. She was amazing and totally on her game. She was supportive, caring, and empathetic- you know counseling skills 101 stuff.

And all I have thought throughout this week is:

How come I was not worth that? Where were you when I was walking into the fire? I really needed you to hold my heart together… why didn’t you see? And these answers have not come. It’s the helpers that have hurt me the most- cops, lawyers, judges, and rape crisis advocates-specifically my rape crisis advocate. Then something happened. I got REALLY angry- like on a scale from 1-10, I was pushing 100.

I have had a little time to process some of my anger. I have an appointment with her on Monday and I’m going to so something unexpected and throw a plot twist in there, instead of leading with my anger- I’m going to drop my defenses and be real. I’m going to express to her how much I really needed her and how hurt I felt by her actions. I’m going to (most likely) cry and be completely vulnerable around someone who I’m not sure is safe.{My counselor will be facilitating this conversation so it makes it a little easier} I have to have the hard conversations and let her know how she harmed me and how much I needed her. My only hope is that she may drop her defenses too and we may meet in the same place and moment in time. If only for a second I need her to be there…

Don’t ever miss those small moments of connection because sometimes they never come back. Lead with your heart even if it means risking…

Risk everything, even when your hurting.

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9 thoughts on “Connecting on Moments of Grief

  1. mwitasblog says:

    You have not only my prayers but my heart also.

  2. Savannah says:

    HaII knew the way she acted Monday night was just for show. I never talked to her before then, but you had shared with me how she was. I remember talking about how I refuse to call the hotline even when I need to. She encouraged us to call and assured us it’s party of their job and that is why it’s there. The very next night I needed help and so I did the one thing that I said I would not… I called the hotline and of course she was the one on call that night. I explained my situation and told her my concerns. She responded with, “I don’t know what it is that you want me to.” She made me feel like I was overreacting. I was crying and she then told me to have a great night and that she would see me next week.
    I left town Tuesday night because I was afraid for my life. I had to come back yesterday for work, but I ot to do anything about thethe concerns I had for my safety because it didn’t concern her and she’s the “expert,” so why should I be concerned? I learned last nightnight that my concerns were real. I needed to be concerned and I needed help to keep myself safe, but because I did not receive the help I sought the night before I became a victim yet again. It’s okay though because it’s not a big deal. This has been my whole life… It is what I was made for. I am good at stuffing pain.

    • You just broke my heart love. You are an amazing person who deserves to be valued as such! I’m so sorry that was your experience with her as well. Know that you are in my prayers and you always have my number. I’ll always be here to listen and I’ll be careful with your heart. love you.

  3. Mandy says:

    This post said so many things that I, a person who never gives myself permission to believe in my feelings, needed to hear. When others invalidate me, I believe them. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for believing in yourself and now, standing up for YOU. Never look back now,okay? You’re amazing ♥

  4. morethanra says:

    Amazing! You Rock!

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