Healing, Hope, and Hard

jesusI have a distraught heart. I have my good days and bad ones. The world spins madly on while my mind tries to process the chaos that my heart still cannot comprehend. Don’t get me wrong I have my moments of joy, but in them I am completely aware of my brokenness. It has never left me and I don’t think it ever will, although I remain prayerful. I’m still reminded that the pieces of my soul will never fit quite right. There are days when I’m still bargaining with God to just go back and change that one day and erase the nightmare that would follow. I can do without the assault, injustice process, and PTSD. Pretty Please with a cherry on top. That’s never going to be part of His plan. It’s been a year and change and I’m still wrestling with Him and my faith and that’s ok.

There are some days when its all I can do is tie a knot at the bottom of my rope so I won’t fall because trust me the rope has an end. In these hard moments I know that it’s ok because that’s exactly where I’m supposed to be. God has not healed me instantly and despite my disappointment in that revelation, it has served a deeper more profound purpose. I love deeper in pain because I become aware of it in others. I choose to see God in the midst of pain. Please don’t hear me say that its easy because it’s very difficult. When I could not see the next step He held my hand through the darkness. I have grown in my faith but not without great cost. I had to finally pick up my cross and begin that journey with Him. I could no longer be lukewarm in my faith. I had to give Him parts of myself that I didn’t trust anyone to see let alone have!

I have to know that it is always for His glory. He is in control of my journey – the good, the bad, and the painful. Even in the grief that my heart experiences I know that I will always be His. He has been with me every step of the way. I have complained about the lack of help from the so called “helpers” but it was amazing who God sent in their place. I had individuals who I never expected to help become an amazing support system. They stepped in when the designated helpers were MIA. He knew what I needed before I ever asked…

In this place where I’m wrestling with my Faith, questioning God, and Fighting my doubt; I can honestly say that I’m finally authentically walking the walk. In the midst of my pain I will choose to see Him; I will choose to listen to that still small voice; I will choose to follow instead of lead. Mistakes will be made but I’m finally learning that my cross is not light but neither was His.

I remember someone in my church asking, “Will you ever share your story?” And before she could ever get the words out I said, “Not in a million years!” Yeah, I can see God smiling now because I guess God was listening in on that conversation and you know what happened next…

I hope that my story reaches you wherever you are because God is there too, even in the brokenness of it all. Redemption is a part of the plan…


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