Sweet Dreams

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Sweet Dreams…

It’s strange the things that I ask God for these days. They have changed drastically from the things I once dreamed that I would have or accomplish. I wanted to be a doctor, a neonatologist to be exact. I wrestled with the idea of being anything else for a long time because it was in my DNA. There was no other career path for me. I was never one of those girls who dreamed of getting married or having their dream wedding. I was independent, strong, and capable. I’m still all of those things except the definition has changed, transformed through the filter of an older and slightly wiser me. I never did make it to med school because…

Little miss independent fell in love. It was a perfect young love that was never destined to last, a romance that had the shelf life of a year at best, just long enough to change my dreams. I was genuinely happy and not because he completed me in some way but because we laughed, dared, and dreamed together. I dreamed of a little house with a white picked fence and children. I dreamed of commitment, honesty, and friendship. I dreamed but it wasn’t meant to be as so often young love seems. During that time, I caught glimpses of possibilities. My heart came alive and I continued to dream about many things but mostly about my future children. Strange because I know that there is an order to things…

first comes love

then comes marriage

then comes baby in a baby carriage.

Apparently my dreams are not sequential.

I stopped dreaming after my assault. I had no more visions of children. There was no future for me to look forward to other the one filled with nightmares. There are many and I mean many layers of trauma… but let me provide you with a scholarly definition.

“Following a traumatic event, a person may develop a sense of a foreshortened future, which is currently considered an avoidance symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). People who experience these symptoms feel as though their life will somehow be cut short without any real explanation why. They may also feel as though they won’t be able to reach milestones in their life, such as a career, marriage or children.”

I have been praying for God to allow me to dream again. I keep rehearsing Jeremiah 29:11 in my head. I wanted God to give me a visual of something to hope for whether that be a family that showed love to each other or simply anything that mirrored my dream. God never answers my prayers in the ways that I expect and I mean NEVER. He always seems to keep me on my toes.

I recently had the privilege to see a popular Christian movie. Yes, I know what you’re thinking but it’s a MOVIE. I hardly ever see the example of the kind of love I’m looking for, not in real life, not in movies, and not even in sappy romance movies or books. It’s sad to say but not even in churches. The movie was called “Heaven is for Real.” Everything about that movie resonated with the desires of my heart. I want the father of my children to love them with an indescribable love. I want us to sing along with our children “we will rock you” instead of “amazing grace” or “Jesus loves you,” sometimes. I want us to be real with our emotions- with ourselves, others, and towards God, but most importantly I want tragedy to bring us closer together as a family because if I know one thing about life is that tragedy is rarely avoided. We all go through it- in some way or another.

In a strange way this movie has allowed me to hope. It has allowed me to dream of a happy future with two point five kids, a dog/cat, white picket fence, and a husband who will be an incredible father. This is the true desire of my heart. I’m not sure what God’s plans are for my life. At this point, they could be completely different, who really knows…

But I’m grateful for sweet dreams.

 

 

 

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