I haven’t written anything in a very long time. I’m not sure why perhaps I lost my voice; temporary vow of silence. I’ve been taking time and reflecting on the past two years –each and every trauma- because there have been many for some reason. It’s really hard to grieve all the little traumas because they don’t always seem significant… and because my best coping mechanism is minimizing. “I’m fine,” is my go to phrase.
I’m pretty honest if you ask me the right questions. I’m not open. I won’t share or really open up unless you provide me with a safe space- and time. Recently, I felt really betrayed by a good friend. It was not a malicious betrayal on her part and she will never know that I’m angry, hurt, or severely wounded. I still really love her and that’s all she really needs to know. I understand why she did what she did… Sometimes when you fight for what’s right, you chose to stand alone. I felt betrayed by the legal system and many different things. I kind of understood the injustices when I made the choice to report and press charges. I have to say that knowing something and experiencing something are two completely different things.
The closest people tend to create the deepest wounds. I am grateful for real conversations even though they might be painful. The phrase, “I’m sorry,” means the world to me mostly because no one ever says that to me even when they hurt me- intentionally or unintentionally. I am so thankful for the individuals who have allowed me to express anger… it’s not the best side of me although it comes along with my wounding. Thank You for your Grace.
Forgive me when I’m not sure who to trust. Forgive me if I’m sad. Forgive me on the hard days because there are many. Forgive me in the confusion and chaos.
I’m only beginning to understand how to trust, love, & forgive again. That’s the beautiful part of the journey… Mostly, thank you for walking with me and carrying me on those special days when I can’t take another step. I’m learning that its OK to trust you and that’s the hardest thing for me to do. Despite my hope: My history says will you hurt me too? … but I still see good in the world.
People tell me that I’m naive maybe, but my hope remains in the aftermath of every disaster. I still believe that love wins and that trust can be built again.
“Sometimes, you have to step outside the person you believe yourself to be and remember the person you were meant to be. The person you wanted to be” -H.G. Wells